Time Heals Every Wonder
by freiheitfuehlen
Summary: Five years have gone by since Addison has left Seattle. A lot has happened in the meantime. She has written a book about her life. What is it like and how will it affect her and the people in her life? Addek
1. Tears Drop Like Rain On The Sea

**Disclaimer: **Not mine. Not at all. If they did the world would be a happier place. It'd be Addek. But they do belong to Shonda Rhimes no matter how much I dislike it.

**Author's Note: **Long time no see. This is the first Addek story after Numb that I'm posting on I'm 20.000 miles away from home and I'm still spending my time writing Addek fanfiction. The only difference, though a major one, is that now I do so lying on the beach and getting a tan.

Special thanks to **Lou** who betas for me.

**Summary**___It had been five years since she started writing; four since she signed a contract and three years and five months since the first copy was sold and she had stripped to the skin. _

Cryptic? FTW. It's Addek.

I put up an edited version because I forgot to add a few things and others were screwed up while uploading it. Anyway, the present time is **2012**, everything that is typed like that '…text…' are book quotations. It jumps back and forth in time, so watch out for the dates above each paragraph

Tears Drop Like Rain On The Sea

'…I never considered myself someone who surrenders, backs down from a challenge instead of fights till the knuckles turn white and the knees cannot hold your weight anymore. This time, with you, I failed my own principals and ideals. In love I trusted, in you believed and through time I died…'

Slowly Addison closed the book and let her hand glide over the soft dark blue cover. She took a deep breath, digested the importance of the moment and the last words of the book she had just finished before standing up and putting it back into her big oak book shelf. Quietly she traced the little white inscription on the side of the book. 

_**Time Heals Every Wonder By Addison Forbes Montgomery**_

It had been five years since she started writing, four since she signed a contract and three years and five months since the first copy was sold and she had stripped to the skin.

Timehealseverywonder

Los Angeles, 2007 

"Sunscreen anyone?" Nancy looked among the women expectantly and was rewarded with blank stares. 

"What," Nancy asked curiously. 

"California. We live here. The sun shines 342 days a year. It is September, the summer is almost over and we are already tanned. No need for sunscreen," Violet answered matter of factly. 

"Perfect. I´ll wait for Addie then. She´s got fair skin. She´ll have sunscreen." Nancy lay back down and put on her sun glasses. " Where is she anyway? She was supposed to be back 30 minutes ago." 

"She went to see a shrink?" 

"I believe the correct term of my job would be psychotherapist," Violet corrected her friend after she had slapped her lightly on the shoulder. 

"But aren´t you a shrink, too," Nancy asked smugly looking at Violet who threw up her hands in mock resignation. 

"Yes, but I don´t do sessions with my friends. Besides, and that has to stay among us, she´s kind of a hard case. A very hard one. The first time Pete put those stupid needles all over her face she started crying hysterically. Scary I tell you." Violet paused and looked between the two women who looked at her understandingly, or apologetically, she wasn´t sure. "I gave her the number of a friend who graduated from UCLA with me. Very good man." 

"Who is?" The three women turned around and looked shell shocked at Addison who was standing mere feet away staring at them curiously in her black skirt and light green tank top. 

"Barak Obama." Nancy was the first one to respond. "We were just talking about the up coming presidential race." She hoped it was good enough to satisfy Addison.  
"He is, isn´t he? I´m impressed…." 

Obviously she had believed the little lie, but Nancy was otherwise occupied and couldn´t really follow Addison´s words. In her mind Violet´s words kept replaying like a bad record on repeat. _She´s a hard case. Bawling like there was no tomorrow. Scary I tell you. _That´s what she came to LA for, to spend some quality time with her ex-sister-in-law and one of her oldest and best friends, she just was shocked to see how badly Addison needed someone and in what emotional condition she appeared to be post-Seattle. 

"Nancy? Nance?" Addison tried to get the brunette's attention. 

"Oh, yes. Sorry, I zoomed out." 

"I noticed." Addison smiled weakly at her friend before reaching out for one of her hands. "I´m sorry to steal her away, but I feel an overwhelming need for turkey, fries and a little catching up with my favourite _ex_-sister-in-law." 

"It sure makes me feel great to know that I come last on your list," Nancy joked, "but let´s go and grab something to eat. I´m starving."

Timehealseverywonder

_New York / Los Angeles 2009_

"…I love you. I have loved you more than you will ever know and believe. The last thing I thought I would ever do, was hurt you the way I did. I did what you wanted and needed me to do and I didn´t do it at all. I loved you and didn´t love you enough. With you I was trapped in a cycle of hypocrisy and double morals. We don´t deserve to be forgiven by each other and yet it is the only thing to stop this restless day-to-day life we´re stuck in. I write this as if it was the last part of a tragic downfall of a friendship, a romance even, believing that these were the last words my mouth will ever utter towards you and I hope you see the depths behind three words that are all that is left: Goodbye and farewell..." 

_You are free to write whatever and however you feel like, although there is one condition, Addison. You cannot delete what you have written. There is always a reason behind the words you have chosen to describe your feelings and the fact that you have written them down, means that part of you, no matter how small it is and how deep down it is hidden from the surface, needs those words to be spoken out. Think about what you want to reveal about yourself and chose your words deliberately. Once they are out, they need to stay._

Printed on paper, a piece of her soul. 

Addison would often sit outside her house on the landing, drinking a glass of red wine wondering what he was doing and how he was reacting towards the book and the final words she had dedicated to him. 

In her mind he would walk down the streets of Manhattan, lost in thought and listening to his ipod. His destination being Central Park, where he would lie down in the grass and let the soft summer breeze tickle his skin. He would pass a bookstore and unexpectedly his eyes would catch the name of a person long banned to the back of his mind and heart. He would be startled at first, then he would slowly enter the bookstore, walk straight to the section where _her book_ would be lined up. He would reach out for one copy, lift it up and turn it around to read the summary and various reviews of literary critics. 

He would open the book on the first page, read over the dedication and smile understandingly. 

Thank you, all of you. Every one of you has had an influence on my life

and has formed the person that I am today.  
So, thank you.

Timehealseverywonder

New York, 2004 

"…I miss you. Everyday I miss you so much that it physically aches. I get up and go to work and I come home in the evening a little less sad knowing that every day that passed by is one day less till I am with you again. I cry a tear for all the experiences I do not get to make with you. I will never make you chocolate chip pancakes and place butterfly kisses all over your cocoa covered face. I will never get to watch you take your first step or how you call me momma for the first time. I will never read you stories about princesses and knights and happily ever afters. I will never hear your endless questions about everything and nothing at all. I will never kiss you goodbye on your first day of kindergarten and elementary school. I will never talk to you about boys, love and soothe your first broken heart with ice cream and snuggle time. I will never get to make that awfully uncomfortable speech about sex and protection. I will never dress you up for prom or watch you walk down the aisle. I will never watch you grow up to be a thoughtful, caring, beautiful and smart young woman. And it tears me apart. But more than everything it kills me that I am not with you, not even near you and I hope you can forgive me and believe me when I tell you how much I miss you and love you, more than myself…" 

It was way past midnight when Derek Shepherd climbed up the stairs of their house and entered the bedroom. There crawled on the right side of their bed lay a fragile woman with silent tears running down her cheeks, hidden by the darkness and invisible to the oblivious husband standing in the threshold. 

Slowly Addison turned around to face Derek who had not moved away from his former position and they both stared at each other wordlessly, incapable of speaking to each other, simply forming words. Until Derek broke the silence that had been omnipresent for the last couple of months. 

"I think…I think we should try again," he spoke barely above a whisper. 

Addison took a deep breath to keep her body from shaking and the tears from spilling. She needed to be strong, for him she needed to be a fighter. She could not show him her own vulnerability. She could not cry in front of him. 

"Addie," he asked insecurely. 

"I am not ready," she sighed and moved so that she was now facing the window instead of her hurt and disappointed husband. 

He moved over to the closet, stripped down to his boxer briefs and put on an old Columbia t-shirt. Quietly he slipped beneath the covers. 

"It just feels like I will never have it, the whole thing. It feels like Sarah…" he paused shortly to catch his breath, "I just feel like it´s never going to happen, Addie." 

He heard her sobbing quietly and lay one hand on her shoulder to give it a squeeze. His action only increased her sobs and soon she was shaking heavily and Derek was once again left lying helplessly next to his crying wife. He did not know what to say to make the hurt and grief better because he could not imagine what one could say to him to make this loss more bearable. He did not know what to do when all she ever seemed to do in his presence was cry harder than before. He needed to be strong for her; he needed to be a fighter for her. He needed to do whatever was necessary to make her better. 

His pager went off and he stood up to read the message. 911. He needed to head back to the hospital. 

"I have got to go," he said to the silence in the room. 

He needed to make her feel better, even if it meant that he could not be around her so much anymore. At least then she would not cry so much. Little did he know. 

As he descended the stairs of their brownstone, he wrote the first paragraphs of the ending of a wonder that was healed by time. 

Timehealseverywonder

_Los Angeles, 2007_

"He what," Savvy gasped on the other line. 

"Recommended I write a book about my life, deal with everything by writing it down," Addison explained in an unsure voice. 

"And you said?" 

"That I thought he was crazy and that I was going to find another shrink first thing tomorrow." Both women chuckled at that before Savvy heard Addison sigh on the other end. 

"Addie," Savvy asked worriedly. 

"Mmh," Addison replied while fidgeting with a pen on her desk. 

"You don´t sound okay. Do you want me to come out to LA for a while?" 

"Nah, you don´t have to do that. It´s just a lot. Talking about everything is just so draining, you know. You are forced to go through everything that has happened again and some things are just hard," Addison said quietly, voice sick with emotion. 

"Sarah?" Savvy was afraid of Addison´s reaction to the bluntness of her question. She had not talked to her about Addison´s dead daughter in a very long time, 7 years to be exact. 

"Among other things," Addison breathed barely above a whisper. 

There was a pregnant pause of awkward silence and many different issues that needed to be mentioned but neither felt it was right to do that just then. 

"You know, I think I have changed my mind. It would be good if you wrote that book. I mean you don´t have to publish it or anything, but I think it would be good for you." 

Addison took a few moments to clear her mind and answer her best friend´s question. And when she did, Savvy was not surprised to hear what she did. It was Addison. The Addison that would never back down from a challenge, no matter how hard or draining it may seem to become. 

"I know. I already wrote a few things down," Addison admitted quietly, a hint of pride in her voice. 

Timehealseverywonder

_Los Angeles, 2010_

'Hey Addie, its me Mark. I read your book. Its good. Really good. Eh…I dont know what else to say right now. I just hope everything is alright for you and that youre happy in LA. It seems like you are. Thats good. So, I guess it means goodbye then. Take care…Oh and Derek is on his way to Los Angeles. I just thought Id let you know. So you dont go all sorts of crazy when he stands on your front porch.

Addison swore heavily under her breath when the message ended. If she hadn't ignored the incoming message she would have been prepared to find her ex-husband on the other side of the threshold. She would not have made a complete fool out of herself like she had. Maybe she would not even have been as shocked as she had to hear him say what she had longed for him to say so long.

_Addison pressed herself against the side of her door to keep herself from falling when she asked Derek curiously, 'what are you doing here?' _

_Derek smiled insecurely at her. The kind of smile that was__known around SGH as the McDreamy smile. It was the one that he had reserved only for her, back when they had started dating and gotten married. The smile had faded through time. Derek looked her in the eyes and said softly but sincerely, 'you, I came for you.'_

'…Every fairytale starts with_Once upon a time_. I had learned as much early in my childhood when my grandfather read me many of them. There was always a princess and a prince who found love with each other and lived happily ever after. When I was younger I wanted to have that same fairytale in my life, too. I sacrificed nearly all of my own happiness to get it.

Here is my story, my fairytale.

Once upon a time I met a gentleman somewhere on the Columbia campus. We met, we talked and we decided to meet again and again and again and again. I kissed the gentleman and he became my prince. We found true love with each other and lived happily ever after…except we did not. Not at all. We thought we had it all and nothing could ever come between us. What I had not known back then was that sometimes in tragedy even the strongest bonds are torn apart. When we lost our daughter, we lost ourselves. We did not try hard enough to find us again, rebuild the couple that we had been before the death of our daughter and let the love that had formed our relationship in the first place guide us through the hard times.

I needed you, but you were not there. You needed me, but I was not there. Fairytales are like wonders and we let ours be healed by time…'

Timehealseverywonder

_Hartford, 1975_

'…When people say that they are not ready to have children, most of the time it means that they have made experiences in their life so far that made it hard to imagine themselves with children, someone as innocent as a new soul that is given to them to take care and guide through life.

I had never felt like I would ever have it before I was pregnant, either. Now I am not even sure if I ever want to be…'

One night Kendra Montgomery sat down on the bed of her only daughter. She tucked her in softly, kissed the top of Addisons head and began singing her daughters favourite bedtime song.

When she had finished she kissed her daughters forehead, put her hand on the top of Addisons head and spoke sadly, ' I love you, Addie. Never forget that. I hope you can forgive me someday.'

Addison woke up to a house full of voices and noises. She did not understand what was happening around her but once she opened the door she would hear one word that she would not be able to understand fully and which would change her life completely.

Suicide.

_Los Angeles/ Hartford, 2011_

'Frederik Montgomery,' An elderly man answered the phone.

"Hi Dad, its me Addie,' Addison greeted her father warmly. They had not spoken in a while. Addison had tried to keep in touch with her family and friends on the east coast, but her life had taken such a crazy turn that it had been hard to keep the contact as frequent as it had been before her book relaease.

'I know, Sweetie. You're the only daughter of mine that I know of. They both laughed at the comment.

'Addie?'

'Yes, Dad.'

'You dont need to keep calling me every year on this day. It might have been difficult at first, but I dont need to be taken care of anymore, especially by my grown up celebrity daughter,' he said jokingly.

'I'm not a celebrity. I just published a book that a hand full of people actually take the time to read,' Addison said laughingly.

'You keep telling yourself that.'

There was a short pause on either end that made it impossible for both of them to deny the real reason behind this phone call and destroy the attempts to cover up the importance of this day by father-daughter humourism.

'Maybe you don't need this as much as you used to, but I do. I really need you today and you are 3000 miles away. So the most I could have of you today, is this phone call. Please let me have this.'

Addison sighed, fighting back the tears that were welling up in her eyes.

'Of course, I will. You are all I have. I love you more than myself.'

'Me, too, Dad,' Addison replied quietly.

'Not quite true, Adds.'

'What do you mean, Dad?'

'Why didnt you tell me that you are engaged? Derek came by to ask for your hand. Again.'

Addison took a deep breath before she answered, 'Because I didnt say yes.'

'Why? I know youlove him. You always have, just like him. Youve just done a great deal of work denying that to yourselves for far too long.'

'I dont want to become just someone he has vowed to be with till death do us part again. I love him, Dad. So much. But what happened the last time just kinda left a bad taste in my mouth. We dont need vows to be committed to each other. If we want to spend the rest of our lives together, then we will. With or without a valid marriage certificate.

'It sounds like this is what you really want.'

'It is,' Addison said sincerely.

'Then thats all that matters. I got to go, Addie. Say hi to Derek for me.'

'I will. Love you.'

'Love you, too.'

End of chapter one. Be nice to me and leave a review. The more reviews (because I'm an attention whore), no matter what they are like, the sooner I'll update. The good thing about this fic is that it's already finished and not a work in progress. 


	2. True Beauty Lies In The Depth Of Friends

**Author's Note:** Remember what I've told you about getting a tan? Screw that. It's been raining like there was no tomorrow the last couple of days. Feels like I'm back home, not in Australia. bigpout

Thanks for the reviews. Made the sun shine a little brigther. What sun? Ja.

**True Beauty Lies In The Depth Of Friendship**

_New York, 2006_

'...A good friend is hard to find andhard to choose wisely. Friends imprint themselves on you like feet on a pair of Birkenstocks. Once the shoes have the form of the feet they will stay like this forever...'

'Addis is that you?' There was a sniffling sound on the other line but no answer.

'Addiebabe, what happened? Tell me.' Savvy paused shortly before she spoke again nervously, her voice full of worry for her friend.

'Talk to me, honey. What is going on. Is it Derek? Did something happen to him?'

That question caused another moment of heavy sobbing on the other end of the line.

'Addie, please,' Savvy pled helplessly, trying to coax her friend to speak with her.

'He left.'

Savvy heard Addison say, her voice full of sadness and despair, void of the strength and determination it was usually filled with.

'I'll be right there'

About half an hour later Savvy opened the door to the Brownstone with the emergency key she had been given after Sarah's death. She ascended the stairs and walked hurriedly into the master bedroom, where she came face to face with an Addison that she had hoped she would never have to see.

Addison sat on the edge of the bed, wearing only a pair of white panties and an old CBGB's tee shirt. Her make-up was smeared and her hair was damp which indicated that she had been out in the rain some time this evening. Addison sat motionlessly, even when Savvy was standing in the threshold. Addison did not seem to notice the intruder.

With quick steps Savvy moved towards Addison, took her friend's face in her hands and kissed the top of her head before engulfing her in a tight hug. Savvy rubbed Addison's back soothingly when she felt that her friend began to shake more heavily again.

'Sssh, Addie. Calm down and take a deep breath. I'm here now. Please. Ssssh.'

After a couple of minutes Addison's breathing went back to normal and the tears that ran down her cheeks got fewer and fewer, leaving only a puddle of salty streaks and a million memories behind.

In that moment Savvy decided to try and talk to Addison and to get her to speak about what had happened between her and Derek and how it came to Derek's sudden departure leaving her in this emotional state.

'What happened,' Savvy asked softly, trying not to be too pushy.

'I fucked up.' Addison admitted while choking on tears that were welling up in her eyes again.

'Okay.' Savvy said with a pleading voice, pleading for further information.

'I mean, I literally fucked up,' Addison paused shortly and averted her eyes to stare out the window into the darkness of another cold and empty New York night. When she spoke again, her voice was so full of emotion that nothing she could have said would have covered the gravity of the truth.

'I fucked Mark. I fucked him and Derek walked in…before he walked out.'

Savvy could not believe what she had just been told. Her best friend, the woman she knew had been fighting for her marriage with all the obstacles that had been thrown in their way, for such a long time, had thrown inthe towel and slept with her husband's best friend in her marital bed.

To her that seemed like a scene of a bad soap opera and in that moment she would have paid any amount of time to transfer the day's events into such daytime show and get their old lives back.

Savvy had so many questions and needed to hear her best friend's answer to the questions that she would dare to pose.

'Why?'

Addison sighed.

'I wanted to feel something. I just wanted to feel again.'

'I think we can agree on the fact that you feel again,' Savvy said with a trace of bitterness and disappointment in her voice.

'Yes, I do. Now, Savvy, I loath myself.'

Addison started sobbing again. Her whole body shook heavily. Savvy took Addison in her arms, kissed the side of her head and whispered reassuringly in her ear.

'I don't hate you. I love you, Addles, and I always will. I will not leave. Never.'

Addison hope that those words were true. Now that she had lost her love, she needed her best friend so much more than before.

'…A true friend is someone who takes your hand and touches your heart…'

Savvy was Addison's pair of Birkenstocks.

-------------------------------------------------------------------

_New York, 2010_

'_Someday you will wake up, Shepherd, and you will realize what a mess you have made out of your life, and how you have lost the one person that will make you happy and complete. I hope for you, that once you realize what has happened, that you'll have people around you to catch you. You might fall deeper than you could imagine.'_

'Oh God, yes, I'm coming. If you could pace yourself.'

Still half asleep Mark Sloan stumbled down the corridor of his New York apartment at 3.51am.

'For God's sake what idiot is ringing my door be…Derek?'

Mark stopped mid sentence as he saw his former best friend on the other end of the threshold.

'What are you doing here,' Mark asked incredulously, leaning against the wooden appartment door.

'I need someone to catch me,' Derek admitted quietly.

Mark looked that the man in front of him. He had not see Derek in years. Not since that last night at Joe's bar when had had predicted what seemed to be happening right now. Derek looked older, grayer and less dreamy as the nurses at Seattle Grace would call him. He would say that Derek looked like a man that had finally woken up from a dream and had realized that the fantasy did not match with the reality. He looked beaten.

'Come in.' Marked opened the door wider to allow Derek to cross the threshold.

'So?' Mark started while he filled two glasses with Scotch and handed one to Derek who had sat down on Mark's couch. He had the feeling that they would both be in need of liquor by the end of the conversation.

'I'm in love with my wife,' Derek admitted, holding on to his glass and keeping his eyes fixed on the TV screen in front of him.

'Ex-wife,' Mark said flatly.

'Mark,' Derek sighed and looked him in the eyes for the first time in a couple of minutes, pleading for him not to take away the rest of hope he had still in his heart.

'I don't say it to be mean or petty. That's how it is and just because you had an epiphany and realized how much you have fucked up the most important relationship in your life, doesn't mean it is going to be easy. You did not treat her very well for quite a while and you need to keep that in mind because you screwed up pretty badly. Or how does everything that has happened to you in the last couple of years sound to you?' Mark asked.

'Fucked up,' Derek admitted and put his head in his hands.

'Now, don't give up so easily, man!' Mark shook his head.

'What?'

'That's what it is about. You must show her that you know how much you screwed up, the both of you, and that you are willing to do whatever it takes to make it up to her.'

Derek nodded at the words of his former best friend.

'Derek?'

'Huh?'

'If you know what you want and who you want, then why the fuck are you still here in New York City, sitting on the worn down couch of the man who has fucked your wife?'

------------------------------------------------------

_Seattle, 2007_

'…Forgive and forget. I grew up in a catholic neighborhood, was sent to a catholic all girls school and went to church every Sunday until I was thirteen. That was when my grandmother died and with her the catholic spirit she had spent so much time creating in me. What I remember from that intense time is one certain prayer, which comes to my mind whenever I have to deal with guilt and forgiveness:

_Our Father in heaven,_

_Hallowed be your name,_

_Your kingdom come,_

_Your will be done,_

_On earth as in heaven._

_Give us today our daily bread._

_Forgive us our sins as we forgive those who sin against us._

_Save us from the time of trial,_

_And deliver us from evil._

_For the kingdom, the power, and the glory are yours,_

_Now and forever. Amen._

I forgave the people that have hurt me in my life, but I have not forgotten. I think that carrying with us not only the good but also the bad experiences that we have made in our lives, lets us grow and become better, wiser and more caring people.

I hope that someday the people that I have caused hurt and grief will also forgive me…'

'Dr. Montgomery, there is a call for you at the nurses' station on the fourth's floor.'

A passing nurse informed Addison about the call. Slowly Addison walked over to the desk. She was tired because she had been up doing emergency surgeries for the last eighteen hours. Babies did not care about their doctors sleeping habits. They decided all on their own when it was best to start off their lives. Therefore Addison was exhausted. But she was also very motivated. There was a race for Chief of Surgery at Seattle Grace hospital and Addison did not just think she was one of the best candidates, she was sure that she wanted this job more than all the other surgeons. Addison did not complain and did not slow down because she knew what she had to prove to be called worthy of the position. She worked as much as was required and more.

'This is Dr. Addison Montgomery speaking. How can I help you,' Addison said tiredly.

'Oh Addie, dear. No need for formalities.' Patricia Shepherd greeted her former daughter-in-law.

'Hey mom.' Addison smiled in spite of the tightness and tiredness that had spread all over her body.

'You sound tired, dear,' Patricia said with worry evident in her voice.

'It's nothing really. Just a lot of work. That's all.'

Addsion sighed and thought to herself how wrong that statement was. She did not feel all that great. A lot had happened to her during the past year and every single event had left its mark on Addison. But nonetheless speaking to her former mother-in-law felt nice. They had not talked in a while, especially not after the divorce was finalized. Addison felt guilty for what happened to her and Derek, even though she had always had a great relationship with Patricia mostly due to the early loss of her own mother and Patricia's welcoming persona.

She had never been shown any sign of rejection after the affair, but she did not feel too comfortable around Derek's family anymore. She felt like an intruder into Derek's world that held no spot for her anymore.

'Are you taking good care of yourself,' Patricia asked in a motherly tone.

'I think so.'

"How are you doing anyway?'

'Fine. Thanks,' Fucked up. Insane. Neurotic. Empty. Addison added mentally. 'How are you and the kids? How is everyone? I miss them.'

'They are great. The whole lot of them and they miss you all so much. The kids miss their Auntie Addie. They are asking about you all the time. Actually that is why I called in the first place.'

'What is,' Addison asked curiously.

"I'm calling to invite you home for Thanksgiving,' Patty said happily. Though she know very well that getting Addison to agree to come home was still a hard fight. But Patricia Sheperd was well prepared to fight. She missed her former daughter-in-law like the rest of the Shepherd family did and she wanted her to come visit for the holiday and she would get her to agree.

'I don't know. What about Derek?'

'What about him? He is not coming home for the holiday anyway. Again,' Patricia said bitterly. Derek had not even tried to make up an excuse. He had just said that he would not be able to make it home for Thanksgiving this year.

'I'm sorry,' Addison apologized sincerely.

'Don't be. It is not your fault. You have always tried to get his workaholic butt home for the holidays. But you should come. I miss you, dear.'

'I miss you, too. But I don't know. I wanted to fly home to Hartford and spend the day with my Dad.'

Patricia smiled and said, 'That is what I thought. I called Frederic this afternoon and asked him if he wanted to come to Boston. He said he would like to but I had to check with you first. Don't be mad at him or me. We just miss you and want you around for the holiday.' Patricia paused and heard Addison sigh on the other end.

'So, will you be home for my famous dinner and all the Sheperd insanity,' Patty asked hopefully.

'I will,' Addison agreed smilingly.

-----------------------------

**End of chapter two. Did you like it? Take a minute and leave a review. **


	3. Angels Wings Carried You Away, My Love

**Author's Note: Sorry guys, for the long wait. I wanted to get it online before going to Fraser but the computer in Brisbane wouldn't let me save it. Anyway, here's the next chapter and with it comes the angst and sadness that seem to find their way into my stories at all times. **

**Take care!**

-----------------------------

**Angels Wings Carried You Away, My Love**

'…Dear Sarah,

This is Mommy. I believe with all of my heart that you will receive this letter somehow. I want to tell you a few things about the people in my life that you never got the chance to meet yourself and who love and miss you just like I do.

First there is silly Uncle Mark. He is your godfather. Even though he is lazy, immature and crazy most of the time, he is also one of the most caring and giving person I have met in my life and that was why we wanted him to be your godfather and help us guide you through the difficulties of life. He gave you a nickname when you were only eight weeks old and still inside Mommy's tummy. He called you _princess_. He said that with my persona and both our looks, Mommy and Daddy's, you would have him wrapped around his finger in no time at all. You would be his little princess. You are. He loves you so much and misses you just the same. Like we all do…'

_New York, 2008_

It was a gray November Sunday when Mark Sloan walked down the main path of the Manhattan St George's cemetery. In his hand he carried a white rose, a teddy bear and a Yankee's cap.

He stopped at the marble gravestone that read:

Sarah Elaina Shepherd

17.11.2002 #12.12.2002

May God give you wings to fly to a better place.

'Hey princess. It's silly Uncle Mark. But you probably knew anyway,' Mark said softly after he had knelt down to be able to touch the gravestone with the hand he held the rose in.

'Life right now is very hectic and complicated. That is why your mom and dad can't be here today, but they wanted me to bring you their gifts and tell you how much they love you and how sorry they are that they cannot be here with you today. They are always with you in their thoughts, little princess.

Mark laid down the rose on the gravestone before he spoke again, "the rose is from your Dad. He wants me to tell you that whatever happened and will ever happen, you will always be his rose and he'll come by as soon as he can. But even though he is not here today, he loves you with all of his heart.

Mark took a step back and sat down in the grass beside the grave.

"I brought you this bear because you are my princess and princesses need to be spoiled rotten. Don't tell your mom, but I plan to do that all of my life. The bear wears a pink dress and has glitter all over it. It is a princess bear, I think. Just what a real princess needs.'

A single tear ran down his cheek when he laid the bear down on the grave.

'Last but not least is your Mommy's present. But first I need to tell you something. Do you remember what I told you the last time I was here? That your Mommy and Daddy do not live together anymore and that it does not mean that they love you anymore? Your Mommy lives in Los Angeles now. That is in California where it is very warm all through the year. I think you would have liked it, but would have liked New York so much more with its seasons, ice skating at the Rockefeller Center, Central Park and the Yankees. Your Mommy bought you a Yankees' cap, you know. She wanted to let you know that even though she is in LA, that is how people call it, now, she will always be a New Yorker at heart and you will always be in hers, therefore you will always be a New Yorker, too.'

When he laid down the cap on the top of the gravestone, he gave it a kiss. Then he stood up and before he walked away into the Sunday dust, he whispered softly,

'Goodbye, my princess and happy birthday.'

_New York, 2002_

'…Then there are Savvy and Weiss. Savvy is Mommy's best friends and Weiss is her husband. They are both very close friends of me and Daddy in New York City. The two of them have helped us a lot with everything. At first with Mommy's pregnancy, the time when you were not born yet and still in my tummy, and later with everything that happened after your birth. They spend a lot of time at the hospital with us, the place you were at in your short life. You have become like a daughter to them. They even named their own daughter after you, my sweetheart. Her name is Elizabeth Sarah. She is a beautiful, smart and funny baby girl, just like you have been one...'

'Addison? Addie? Savvy shook the still figure of her friend, trying to coax her back into consciousness.

'Please, Addie, wake up. Please.'

Tears were streaming down Savvy's face as she held her friend firmly in her arms.

'Hurry up, Weiss,' she pled helplessly.

Ten minutes later the ambulance arrived at the brownstone. Weiss opened up the front door. His white dress shirt was soaked with Addison's blood. The paramedic stormed past the disheveled looking man and up the stairs into the room where Savvy still hold Addison tightly in her arms.

'Addie breath! Just breath, please.'

'How long has she been unconscious,' the paramedic asked quickly while he put down his back and knelt over Addison's body.

"I don't know,' Savvy choked out quietly, 'twenty minutes or so.'

Savvy sounded very scared. Scared for the life of her best friend who lay motionless on the floor of her bedroom and bled.

'Has she been bleeding right from the start?'

'Yes. I don't know. Probably.' Savvy stuttered.

'Okay. Could you move to the side please?' A second paramedic entered the bedroom and shoved Savvy out of his way to get closer to the injured woman.

'The baby. What's with the baby? Is it….is…it?' Savvy cried out when she knelt down next to the paramedic.

'We don't know yet. You need to move, so we can find out. Okay?'

'Okay.'

The two paramedics put some jelly on Addison's stomach and tried to find the baby's heart beat with a portable ultra sound machine.

'So,' Savvy asked with fear in her voice.

'Ssh. You need to be quiet.'

'Please…,' Savvy tried again.

'We have a heart beat,' the first paramedic declared at last.

'We need to get her to Mount Sinai very soon. Where is her husband? Is he still downstairs?

'No, that is not her husband. He is mine. Derek is already at Mount Sinai.'

'Okay.'

The two paramedics began descending the stairs with Addison in between them on a stretcher.

'He is in surgery right now. We couldn't reach him. We'll try again once he has scrubbed out. Hopefully before we arrive at the hospital,' Weiss said nervously as the paramedics walked by him and out the door to carry Addison into the ambulance.

'He's a surgeon? The paramedic paused and thought about it before he spoke again,' Derek. Derek Shepherd?'

'Yes,' said Weiss.

'So.' The paramedic said as he looked down at the unconscious woman on the stretcher,' this is…'

Dr. Addison Shepherd.

_New York, 2002_

'…Then there is your Daddy, sweetheart. Sometimes he has difficulties with showing how he truly feels, but he is a caring, thoughtful and loving man nonetheless. You mean the world to him. You are his princess and he would give everything he could to bring you back. He may have been gone for a long time, but please do not hold it against him or think that it means he loves you less for it. We have not spoken in a while, but the one thing I know for sure is that he is the only other person who loves and misses you like I do. To the moon and back, little princess, Keep an eye on us. We need you…'

The first time Derek Shepherd saw his daughter she lay in an isolate that was too big for her tiny, fragile body. Sarah Shepherd was hooked up on all the machines that babies of her age or children in general should never have to be hooked on to. She had three different wires coming out of her body and her soft skin was pale as a sheet of paper. Through the wholes in the isolate Derek put one of his hands on the small head of his baby girl and reached with the other hand to grasp the tiny hand of the girl. Derek looked beaten, his sad eyes were staring at his daughter's appearance and tears were threatening to fall down his cheeks. Tears for his little girl who was still so young and had already endured so much. Tears for the little girl's mother who had survived the day's events only by a hairs breadth and was now recovering from the surgery. On this day Derek could have lost the two most important women in his life and as he finally realized what could have been, he was unable to hold back the tears.

'I'm sorry, little one. I am just so happy that you and mommy are still with me, you know. I need you. You're still so young, but I already love you so much, Sarah. That is your name.' Derek said while giving her tiny hand a little e squeeze.

'Your mommy is still taking a nap, just like you. You must be both very exhausted. Sleep tight, my love, and sweat dreams. I'll be here by your side. I am not going to leave you, I promise. I love you, Sarah. To the moon and back.'

Derek squeezed his daughter's hand once more and kissed the top of the isolate where Sarah's head was.

Later that night Derek prayed to God for the first time in years.

---------------------------------------------

**End of chapter three and only three more left. I'll try to update early tomorrow before I leave for my sailing cruise. **

**Taken the time to read? So, please, take the time to leave me a message telling me what you think about it. Thanks.**


	4. In The Dark All Cats Are Gray

**Author's Note: I feel like I'm walking around with a big fat cloud over my head and lot's of bad luck that's sticking to my feet. Fcuk. I can't go on the cruise. Actually I can't even go near Airlie Beach. Cyclon. Bitch.**

**But thanks for the reviews they chear me up a little bit.**

**I'm probably going back to Sydney and find me a place to stay.**

--------------------------------------------

**In Darkness All Cats Are Gray**

'…Choices. The life is full of choices and the paths of our lives are determined by the choices we make and the consequences that come with those we have made. I have made some decisions that I regretted the minute I had made them. I could not take them back, though, and therefore I had to learn to live with the consequences my actions or words had caused. Every life can be seen as a string of pearls. Every pearl symbolizes one moment and one decision we have made. We wear this necklace of choices day in and day out to remind us who we are, where we have come from and what we could have to face in the future…'

_New York, 2006_

'No, Addison,' Mark said vehemently.

'Please, Mark.' Addison pouted.

'No, the pout is not working on me.'

Addison stuck out her bottom lip even more than before, trying to coax Mark into watching the movie she had rented this afternoon.

'I'm not going to watch Dirty Dancing again.' Mark said and crossed his arms over his chest.

'Please.'

'No.'

'Mark'

'No.'

'Okay.' Addison said and turned her back to him.

'Don't,' Mark said in an annoyed voice.

'What,' Addison asked a bit harshly.

'Don't act pissed off.'

'I don't.' Addison said and rolled her eyes at Mark.

'Yes, you do.'

Some time later Mark and Addison sat on the couch, watching Dirty Dancing. Addison leaned against Mark's side who had had laid his right arm over her shoulder a while ago.

'I can't believe you made me watch this movie again. It must be the 30th time.' Mark said after he had turned his head to the side to look at her.

'Don't always exaggerate, Mark.' Addison rolled her eyes at him but mirrored his position and said smilingly once she had leaned the side of her head on the back of the couch, 'besides, deep down we both know you like watching this movie.'

Addison grinned at him.

'I like watching it with him,' Mark admitted quietly, holding her gaze and taking a deep breath once he had said those words.

In that exact moment Addison had to make one of the most important decision of her life.

She chose to lean in.

When she was close to his lips and could feel his breath on her face, she stopped for a moment and leaned her forehead against his.

'Add…,' Mark tried to interject huskily, but was silenced by Addisons lips on his.

Mark's hands went to Addison's hips and he pulled her into his lap. Once she sat on top of him, Addison broke the kiss and kissed a long his chaw line to his ear.

Addison's body so close to his made it hard for Mark to think clearly and control his movements. If he had thought thoroughly about what was happening right in that moment and what those actions could mean to all of their lives he would not have obeyed Addison's request so easily,

'Take me upstairs, Mark.'

----------------------------------------------

'…The way we grieve says a lot about the person we are. I have realized through tragedy that most of the times I had to deal with loss, I did not deal with it at all. Avoidance was my mantra. I tried to push it as far away as possible, box it underneath thick layers of other emotions, hoping that eventually the hurt that came with loss would evolve all on its own at some point…'

_New York, 2002_

'Addison, slow down. You don't have to do all the work. We're here to help you with everything,' Karthleen said softly while pointing to her three sisters.

Addison looked up and shook her head at them.

'No, it's fine. You're guests. It's fine. I'll do the dishes and you go and sit down in the living room.

Addison was dressed in black and her hair fell straight down her shoulders. Her eyes were clouded by grief and she had not spoken much throughout the whole day. It was the day of Sarah Shepherd's funeral. She had died three days ago. Her heart had not been strong enough to fight the pneumonia that she had caught a week ago. Everything in the life of the Shepherds had changed that day. It felt as if someone had taken the books of their lives and rewritten the last couple of chapters, leaving in there wake just white emptiness and thousands of scars on the souls of the people involved.

Neither Derek nor Addison had talked much during the last couple of days. Derek's family had flown in from Connecticut as soon as the news about Sarah's death had reached them. So had Addison's father. All of them had offered help with arrangements, but Addison had rejected every single offer that had been made to her.

'Addie, dear, maybe you could go upstairs and look after Derek. He has been sitting in Sarah's room all day, refusing to come out or eat.' Patricia Shepherd said when she entered the kitchen.

'I can't. I need to do…' Addison said but was interrupted by her mother-in-law.

'You need to go upstairs and be with your grieving husband,' Patricia said vehemently pointing in the direction of Sarah's room.

'I can't.' Addison said while trying to hold in the tears that were welling up in her eyes.

'He must think it is my fault.' Addison said as tears started to run down her cheeks.

'What?' Nancy gasped when the rest of the Shepherd women began to protest vehemently, too.

'I think it is my fault,' Addison admitted quietly and turned her back to the women who were now trying to talk Addison out of believing what happened to Sarah was her own fault.

Unfortunately neither Patricia nor her daughters had any luck and those words were the last Addison said all day.

On this day the silence started to crawl beneath every table, behind ever closet and inside every room of the brownstone until the silence became louder than every spoken word.

-------------------------------

'…If you cannot change something, change your way of thing about it…'

_Seattle, 2007_

'You don't understand, Richard. I need this job. I need a reason to get up in the morning and not care that it's raining or that I'm thirty-eight and alone,' Addison said angrily after she had been told that she would not be named next Chief of Surgery, 'Something has to change.'

Richard nodded at those words and stood up to walk in front of Addison, laid one hand on her shoulder and said, ' That is the problem. If that is what you really want, then you either need a new job or a new life.'

Addison sighed.

_Seattle, a couple of weeks later_

Addison stood at the nurses' station on the second floor of the surgical wing. Next to her were both her ex-husband and her ex-lover. They tried to burry the tension beneath layers of akward silence.

Suddenly a chart with papers was slammed in front of Addison and a familiar voice asked angrily, 'What is that, Addison?'

Richard held up a piece of paper while he looked at Addison expectantly.

'My letter of resignation,' Addison answered flatly, keeping her head on the files she was working on.

At the word resignation both Mark's and Derek's heads shot up and they looked questioningly at Addison. They had not known about Addison's plans to leave and were as lost as the older man next to them.

'I figured as much. But why now?'

'I'm doing what you told me to. I'm getting a new life, including a new job,' Addison said neutrally. Though she looked up for the first time in this conversation. She looked directly at Richard.

'I'm giving you enough time to find a replacement for me while I sort out everything else.'

'Where are you going?'

Addison turned her head at the sound of her ex-husband's voice and looked at Derek when she said, ' Los Angeles. I'm going to work with Naomi and Sam.'

Derek smiled lightly at the memory of their med school friends and nodded at Addison's words. He wished her luck while Mark took his files and walked away without a word or a glance over his shoulder.

Addison watched him walk away, taking with him nearly fifteen years of friendship.

'…Sometimes the sacrifices we have to make seem to big to bear and therefore we fear to make them. But in the end we need to find out if the outcome is worth the loss…'

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**End of chapter four. There are three ways to chear me up right now:  
1. Make that cyclon bitch leave and get me to Airlie asap.  
2. Get me a cheap place to stay in Sydney. ;-)  
3. Review.**

**See, reviewing isn't all that difficult compared to the other two.**


	5. The Gravity Of Words

**Author's Note: Big THANK YOU goes out to Sarah. The cyclon's still twirling its way along the coast, but I will be able to do the cruise sometime this week anyway. Hopefully. Sigh.**

**You'll get to see how Addison and Derek make it work once again, but maybe not in the way you'd like or expect and not in this chapter. Patience is a virtue...I learned that the hard way. **

**Here you go.**

-------------------------------

**The Gravity of Words**

'…As a surgeon you need skill, discipline and the courage to go through with procedure even though the outcome can't be foreseen. When I started writing down my life, I had no intention of making whatever I would write public.

But in the end it was the courage to expose myself to the readers that helped me lose some of the ballast I had been carrying with me for a very long time…'

_Los Angeles, 2008_

'Hello Addison,' Doctor Phillips said in a friendly tone when Addison entered the room.

'Hello Doctor Phillips.' Addison smiled back at him.

'You seem to be in a very good mood.' Dr. Phillips said and looked her in the eyes.

'I am. Somewhat nervous, but also very excited and content.'

'How comes?'

'I'm done. I have finished it a week ago,' Addison said proudly.

Dr. Phillips nodded at Addison's words before he smiled and asked, 'And how do you feel about it?'

'I have mixed feelings about it. Everything is in there. All of my life and me. I have taken off my clothes for whoever will read it. That thought scares me a lot. But more so than that I feel relieved. There has been so much happening to me in my life, hurt that I cause and others that has been burdened on me. For a long time I have dealt with this hurt in a wrong way. Now that I have written it down and talked about it to people I feel like most of the heaviness has been lifted off me.'

Addison took out a map of papers.

'Is that it,' Dr. Phillips asked curiously.

'Yes.' Addison nodded and touched the surface gently.

'Have you thought about letting someone read it?'

'I already gave it away.'

'Whom did you give it to?'

'My Dad and Savvy.'

'They both liked it a lot. Savvy cried at some parts,' Addison said simply.

There was nothing more she could have said about their reactions. She had let people that were the closest in her life read about everything she had ever felt about the things that had happened to her. Hurt, anger, indifference and love. Everything that had made Addison become who she was put together by words and letters. A tragedy. A fairytale. A tragic fairytale with and ending unknown.

'So,' Dr. Phillips asked,' what does that mean for you?'

'I think I want to publish it,' Addison said quietly. She still felt insecure about this certain plan.

'You think you want to or you want to?'

'I want to.' Addison clarified

'What made you want it?'

Addison sighed.

"I think it might help people.' Addison paused shortly. 'It helped me. Maybe it help people talk about how they are feeling and to deal with what is happening to them rather than to avoid issues.'

'Derek?'

'What?' Addison asked and raised an eyebrow.

'People as in Derek,' Dr. Phillips said calmly.

'Among others,' Addison said quietly and turned her head to look out the window behind Dr. Phillips' desk.

'I just think that what I felt while writing it and how I felt afterwards that might inspire other people to talk about things more openly. It might help them just like it helped me.'

Dr. Phillips nodded and smiled genuinely at her.

'What is the title of the book?'

'Time Heals Every Wonder,' Addison said proudly.

'I'll look out for it.'

Addison smiled.

----------------------------

_Seattle, 2009_

It was the first of December and there lay already a present on the desk of Doctor Derek Shepherd. It was wrapped up in a newspaper and had a red bow tied to it.

Derek was one of those people that thought a lot. Or at least he had become one of those people in the last couple of months he had spent in Seattle with the offered position as Chief of Surgery and his recent troubled love life. He had learned to think about everything before acting. He wanted to know about all possible outcomes beforehand.

Derek sat at his desk and thought about who might have sent him this early, very early actually, Christmas present. He could only think about two people and he was very certain that he was not on the shopping list of one of those candidates. The other was…

Nancy.

He recognized the handwriting as the one of his younger sister. She had sent a card with the present. It was tied to the bow. It said.

_Call me_.

Derek was too curious to find out was lay beneath the wrapping paper to obey his sister's instructions.

Beneath the wrapping paper he did not find the present, though. Instead there was another layer and a card tied to the paper. In capital letters it said.

_CALL ME, PLEASE._

Derek thought about calling her for a moment. Was she playing a trick on him? She probably just wanted to tell him to open the present in private. That must be it, he thought.

Derek unwrapped the last layer slowly. When he was able to see what lay in front of him, Derek Shepherd froze.

On his desk lay a copy of Addison Montgomery's book Time Heals Every Wonder.

What the hell, he thought to himself. Addison Montgomery. Addison wrote a book. His Addison. His Addie.

He turned the book around and found another card posted to the back.

_You should have called me. Call me now!_

He lifted the card and read the text beneath it.

_Addison Montgomery's Time Heals Every Wonder is the story of a girl, a young woman, a friend, a wife, a daughter and a mother. It is simply the heart-wrenching story about the girl next door. At the same time it is a manual of life that can only be given by truth. This book is a request to live, to love, to forgive and to start over._

Derek Shepherd could not believe what he was holding in his hands. It was the autobiography of his ex-wife, the woman he had known and loved for the last third of his life has written a book about her own.

Curiously he opened the book, read the dedication and smiled.

His Addison had written down her life and was about to discover all the things he did not know or thought he knew and somehow he felt a strange excitement rising up inside of him.

_New York, at the same time_

'I swear to God, I cannot be held responsible for what I do if that is not an emergency,' Nancy Shepherd said seemingly annoyed by the last night phone call.

'You did tell me to call you, dear little sister.' Derek joked.

'Derek,' Nancy asked unbelievingly.

'Yes.'

'Took you long enough.' Nancy hissed.

'Yes.' Derek sighed.

'So,' Nancy paused for a moment and took a deep breath before she spoke again,' You read it?'

'Yes. I started and I could not stop. So I read it. All of it,' Derek admitted quietly.

'How do you feel about it?' Nancy asked, careful not to push him too much. Derek had the tendency to hide in his very own nutshell lately when was forced to deal with emotions.

'Weird.' He paused.' It feels strange to read about a person's life that you have been part of and realize that at some point your memories and what she wrote don't match anymore. As if t he person you thought she was and the Addison that is portrayed in the book aren't the same. Everything blurs.

Derek sighed.

'It hurts.'

'I guess it does,' was all Nancy said.

A few moments of silence passed between them.

'Who knows?' Derek asked, breaking t he silence.

'Savvy and Frederic. They read it first. Addison made me promise not to tell anyone until the date of the release. That means all Shepherds know. I'm sure Mark knows, too. Mom saw him at St. George's a couple of days ago.'

Nancy heard Derek take a breath on the other end.

'Derek?'

'Mmh.'

'I think you should call her.' Nancy suggested

'I don't know.'

'Why not?'

'She wrote a book, Nance. Feels like a definite finish line to me. I don't know what is left to say.' Derek defended himself.

'Plenty.'

'What's that?'

'Sarah,' Nancy said without hesitation and regretting it the minute it had left her mouth.

'Nancy,' Derek said harshly.

'Don't Nancy me! I know it hurts. I have been there, you know. I have seen how you have both run away from each other instead of helping each other deal with the loss. I'm not asking too much of you. All I'm suggesting is that talking to Addison might be good for you. But, you know, I gotta run. Love you, bro.'

'Love you, too.'

Derek said his goodbyes and hung up the phone. As soon as he had laid down the receiver, he was back to thinking. He was thinking about Nancy and their conversation. He was also thinking about Addison and the possibility of calling her.

After a few minutes, he picked up the phone and dialed a familiar number.

---------------------------

_Chicago, 2010_

'Addison?' Addison turned her head at the sound of a familiar voice calling her name. When she recognized the tall, dark-haired man she smiled brightly.

'Ethan.'

Addison greeted him with a hug.

'Hey, how are you. It's nice to see you again,' Addison asked happily.

Ethan smiled back at her.

'I'm good. Thanks. The kids and Kathy are doing great as well. They miss their Auntie Addie, though. It's been a while since you have been around. How are you and what are you doing in Chicago?'

Addison opened her handbag and took out a copy of her book.

'I'm here because of the book. Apparently people like the stuff I have written. Weirdo, huh,' Addison said jokingly.

'Ah, the famous book. I have heard about it. More even than you will believe. The girls talk aout nothing else.'

Ethan smirked and nudged Addison's shoulder.

'We've got a celebrity in our family.'

They both laughed.

'Well, not really. But whatever.'

Addison waved with her hand to hide her reddening cheeks.

'I heard that Nancy did even send a copy to Seattle.'

Addison stopped laughing. 'She did?'

'Yes, about two weeks ago.'

Addison had thought a lot about Derek and his reaction towards the book when she had signed the contract two years ago. To her surprise, though, lately she had not thought about her ex-husband as much as she used to. Now that he had been mentioned by her former brother-in-law, she wondered about him again. How he was and felt about the book and how he had been presented with it in the first place. After all she knew Nancy well enough. She wondered if he had even read it. And she hoped he was doing fine.

"Addie?' Ethan asked, trying to get her attention by raising his voice slightly.

'Oh, sorry. What did you say?" Addison apologized.

'I was just wondering what you were doing tonight?'

'Nothing yet. Why?'

Ethan smiled at her before he asked, ' Why don't you come over and have dinner with us. The kids would love it and I'm sure Kathy has a million questions to bombard you with.'

'I'd love to,' Addison said in mock happiness.

-----------------------------------

**Sigh. It's almost over. Thank God I have another one that I'm working on...not a sequel, though. I don't write them.**


	6. Time For A Wonder

**Author's Note: It's not the end. Sigh. I started writing another chapter yesterday. Now I need to get in touch with my awesome beta Lou and it'll be up soon. Thank you very much for all the great reviews, they are sweet like chocolate and necessary like air to breathe.**

**I'm a little behind with news and all. What's the latest development in the writer's strike? Thnx.**

**PS: I forgot to mention that the last paragraph is rated M.**

-----------------------------------

**Time For A Wonder**

'…In the last couple of years whenever I had important decisions to make I remembered one saying I was told by my high school teacher. I remember how she stood in front of us children in der dark blue dress, white stockings and leather sandals. She would get up from her chair, walk around the desk, lean against the front of it and say in a calm and confident tone:

_Wisdom is the ability to know when it takes courage to speak up and when it takes time to be silent_…'

_Los Angeles, 2011_

Addison walked along the Los Angeles promenade to meet up with Stella Dervine, her publisher. Stella had called two days ago to ask if Addison was free for a coffee some time this week to discuss a new offer.

'Hey Stella.' Addison said and kissed the other woman's cheek.

'Fine, thanks. What about you?' Stella smiled at a happy looking Addison.

'Very good myself. Thanks.'

Addison sat down and gave her order to the waiter before she spoke again, 'So?'

'Not wasting any time, are we,' Stella said jokingly.

'I would have never thought I would ever say the following and feel as good as I do about it. I don't have much time, therefore I need to pack as much into as little time as possible.' Addison said very calmly.

'How comes?'

'I'm moving back to New York.' Addison said with bright eyes and a smile on her lips.

'Okay.'

"I'm leaving the day after tomorrow. All my stuff is already packed and put in boxes. Some things I have already shipped over there. I just need to board the plane and I'm on my way home.'

'Home?' Stella inquired.

"Home is where the heart is. That's how the saying goes, right. I miss New York. The familiarity of the city I have spent most of the last 20 years in.' She paused. 'I miss my daughter and the feeling that even though she can't be with me, that at least I can be near her. A lot has happened to me in New York, good and bad things, but I could never really feel at home anywhere else.' Addison said and took a sip of her coffee.

'Actually, that is part of why we met today,' Stella started but was interrupted by Addison's question.

'My daughter?'

'As a part of it. Yes. I'm here to offer you another book. A series even. People love you. They love the way you can move them, make them feel and cry for you. The love the way you write about your losses, sorrows and pain and how you start over again. You give them what they need. Hope,' Stella said excitedly.

'Don't get me wrong because I do feel honored, but I need to give this offer a pass. Sorry.

"Why?'

" I didn't start writing with the intention of publishing it. I did it solemnly for myself. I'm overwhelmed by the amazing feedback I got an dhow many people like it and felt helpt by it. But I do think that whatever is left to say and whoever I have to say it to, from now on I need to do that in private.

Addison took another sip of her coffee when Stella began to speak honestly, 'I understand. It's sad because I'm one of those women that have hoped you would continue writing. I do understand, though.'

'Thanks. I'm sorry but I need to go. There's still plenty on the agaenda for today. Thanks a lot again. For everything. Take care.'

'You, too.'

Both women said there final goodbyes and hugged each other tightly before they walked away in different directions.

---------------------------------

_New York, 2011_

It was a warm spring day in New York, when Addison Montgomery entered the St. George's cemetery for the first time in years. Slowly she walked along the gravel path to the grave she wanted to be and had wanted to for a very long time.

When she reached the grave with the name of her daughter on it, she sank to her knees, put one hand on the stone and spoke softly, 'Hey princess. It's me, Mommy.'

Addison sighed when the first tear started to run down her rose cheeks.

'I'm home.'

_New York, 2002_

_Addison woke up slowly. She scanned her surroundings in hope to find any clue as to where exactly she was. The on-call room._

_How had she gotten there? The last thing Addison remembered was that she sat tiredly on the rocking chair in the NICU room of her daughter. Someone must have carried her sleeping figure down the corridor into the on-call room. Probably Derek or Mark._

_Addison got up and put her shoes back on. Then she walked to the door, opened it and stepped out in the hallway. The moment she lifted her eyes she saw Mark coming towards her, his shoulders slumped and his gaze fixing the floor. A strange fear started to overtake Addison. A fear she could not explain and that seemed to be triggered by Mark's uncharacteristic appearance._

_Then Mark looked up and met her gaze. In that moment all the hope Addison still held in her heart was drained from her body by that one look of confirmation in Mark's eyes._

_Addison lost all her strength and sank to the floor. Down on her knees she began sobbing hysterically, crying for the loss of her daughter. Mark walked towards her with quick steps and sank to the floor next to Addison. He took her in his arms and with her in his lap, he began rocking back and forth, rubbing her back soothingly at the same time._

_After a few minutes Addison had calmed down seemingly and fewer tears were running down her cheeks. She hiccupped once and wiped away the remaining tears with the back of her right hand._

'_I want to see her,' Addison said quietly into Mark's shoulder._

_Mark nodded and helped stand up. Together they walked to Sarah Shepherd's NICU room. Mark halted his tracks when they reached the threshold._

'_You should go I alone. I'll wait outside.' Mark said and laid one of his hands reassuringly on the small of Addison's back._

_Addison walked into the room._

_Inside the room Derek sat in the rocking chair, holding their dead daughter in his hands. When he heard someone enter, he looked up. Their gazes met and each saw the same amount of pain and grief in the other one's eyes. Both their eyes and cheeks were red from the tears they had been crying. Addison walked over to her husband and when she was standing right next to him, Derek placed their motionless daughter, who was wrapped in a pink towel, in his wife's arms. As soon as she held her daughter in her arms, she tightened her grip on the fragile, still body and brought Sarah closer to her chest. Derek moved around, so that he was now behind Addison and put his arms around his wife's waist in a tight embrace. They stood like that for a few minutes._

_Suddenly Addison began to shake more heavily again. At first Derek tighten his arms protectively around her, but when a few moments passed and Addison did not calm down, he turned her head around, kissed the side of her mouth and walked out of the room._

_Out in the hallway he walked towards Mark who stood with his back to him. When he had reached his best friend, he lay his hand on the other man's shoulder and said, ' could you take care of her for a while? I need to get out of this hospital for a bit.'_

_Mark nodded and Derek walked away._

--------------------------------

'…Life is a lining up of ups and downs. One lives in the gap between the tears of happiness and those of grief. There is a solution to some problems, where areas other pain might never be healed. The most important motto in life is that one does not give up, even in times of misfortune and loss, but always starts over. Over and over again…'

_New York, 2012_

Derek planted a trail of kisses from the top of Addison's big toe up to her inner thighs, where he spread her legs wide enough for his body to fit in. He gripped her hips with both of his hands to keep her pinned to the mattress before he moved his mouth from her thighs to her clit and began circling it slowly with his tongue.

Addison gasped at the contact and tried to buckle her hips but Derek's hands held her back on either side of her hip.

When he increased the pressure of his ministrations Addison moaned loudly. And only moments later did she come yelping and moaning his name when he entered her with two of his fingers.

It was a warm September afternoon One of those late summer days when the scorching New York heat had already begun to fade and give space to the cooler Sunday evening and the earlier setting of the fall sun.

The wind blew softly through the curtains of Addison and Derek's bedroom window when Addison came down from the high that had been the pleasure Derek had caused her only moments before.

A little while later, Derek spread Addison's legs even further and moved his lower body in front of her entrance. Derek looked up at her and when she smiled reassuringly he entered her with one thrust.

Both Derek and Addison moaned loudly at the feeling of the other one as close as two people can physically get. Derek took her right nipple in his mouth and began sucking it and circling it with his tongue while he started moving inside of her, setting a slow and intimate pace at first.

Addison let her hands travel down his shoulders and back, leaving light marks with her fingernails and urging him on to increase the speed of his thrusts. Derek obeyed his woman's request and craned his neck to kiss the side of her neck up to her ear. Addison lifted both her legs and crossed the, over his back allowing him even deeper entrance. Derek moaned into her hair at the change of depth and entwined one of her hands with his.

Addison breathed huskily into his shoulder and whispered, 'I'm coming.' Derek sent her over the edge with one more thrust and her muscles tightened around him inside of her. Addison threw her head back and Derek kissed along her chaw line up to her mouth. Derek kissed her mouth softly a couple of times before he came inside of her, moaning her name into her mouth.

Derek lay his head on Addison's stomach while Addison was combing his dark and graying curls with her fingers. Derek closed his eyes and listened to her rhythmic breathing.

'I can hear you think. Literally." Derek murmured.

Addison pinched his nose before she said quietly, 'It feels weird.'

'What does?' Derek asked and lifted his head to look at her.

'That,' Addison said and pointed from her to Derek and back at her. Derek rose and eyebrow but said nothing, urging her to continue speaking with his silence.

'It feels weird that we're here, after everything that has happened we're still together and it feels as if that was how it should have always been. It's weird and…oh, I don't know. Do you know what I mean,' Addison asked hopefully, hoping that he was not getting it wrong.

Derek felt her tension and moved upwards to lie down next to her and put his arm reassuringly over her hip.

'I think I do.' He said and smiled.

Addison smiled back at him but didn't lose the uneasy feeling completely.

'That's why I think sometimes that I've just been dreamin those last months,' Addison admitted quietly.

Derek listened attentively to what Addison was revealing to him. When she had finished, he moved closer to her, lifted her cheek and looked her in the eyes.

'It's different this time, Addie. I know that we've hurt each other a lot in the last years and that we have run away from our problems instead of facing them. We've changed, though, and I've come to stay.'

Derek smiled at her, hoping that these words would ease her worries and spread more of the faith in him that he was working hard on rebuilding in her. He took her in his arms and kissed the side of her head before he grinned and asked smilingly, ' Do you know how much I love you?'

Addison chuckled, leaned up to him and pegged his lips. With a bright smile on her lips she answered,

'To the moon and back!'

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**I'm not going to lie. This was supposed to be the end. I like open endings. Love them even. They allow me the necessary space to unfold my creatuve mind. That said, I'm going to write another chapter. It'll still be kind of open ended, but differently, though. Anyway, review please.**


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